Bad Baby Names--Do you hate your child???

After watching Harry Potter the other night, I had a semi-revelation. If I ever married a guy with the last name Potter, I would feel it necessary to name my son Harry, not really because I am a Harry Potter fan (which I am), but just because it would be too perfect. I don't know if that makes me a nerd or not, but how often would this happen. I'm sure he would be made fun of for the rest of his life. I think it would be terribly fun to call him Harry Potter (said with the overly British accent). Would that make me an evil parent?

This got me thinking about names parents give their children. Many celebrities have done much worse than Harry Potter. One of the worst I can think of is Pilot Inspektor, yes with a K, really??!?! So, I submit a list of other wacky/crazy/bad celebrity baby names:
Zuma- Gwen Stefani
Apple and Moses- Gwenyth Paltrow (MOSES--are you KIDDING ME?)
Barron- Donald Trump
Kal-El- Nic Cage (is it okay to name your son after Superheroes?)
Moon Unit and Dweezil- Frank Zappa
Fifi Trixibelle, Heavenly Tiger Lily, Little Pixie- Paula Yates
Satchel- Mia Farrow/Woody Allen (what, "Briefcase" didn't sound good enough?)
Audio Science- Shannyn Sossamon (I can't even respond to this! What do you call him?)
Moxie Crimefighter, Zolten- Penn Jillette
Seven Sirius- Erykah Badu (she must have seen the Seinfeld episode and Harry Potter!)

The list could go on forever...these kids are lucky they are "rich" and know other celebrity kids with crazy names, otherwise you know they would just get their butts kicked every day at school. I think there should be some kind of naming restrictions/limitations imposed. And no naming kids after fruit...

Anyway, I have to admit, after thinking about the Harry Potter thing, I may understand a LITTLE bit more why people name their kids such crazy things. It's kinda fun and you can end up calling them whatever you want. Name him Harry Potter and call him Joe or something. Just a final piece of advice: when you go to name your child, ask yourself, Do I hate my child?

I sleep with a hammer next to my bed....

I have an irrational fear of the dark. I hate not being able to see what is around me, or if someone is sneaking up on me. (Why someone would be sneaking up on me, I don't really know, but it could happen!) I can’t remember when exactly this happened, but even as a 20-something year old, I hate the dark and sleep with a hammer next to my bed…too uncomfortable for under the pillow. Some people ask, why a hammer? Won’t that be messy? I feel that too many things can go wrong with a gun. Plus, I don’t have to shoot to kill, I can knock out a few knee caps, smash the fingers….plus it’s easier to use. There is absolutely no chance of a misfire/other mechanical malfunction with a hammer.

But back to my fear of the dark… At my parent’s house in CA, I refuse to go outside when it is dark. Once the sun is down, I am inside for the night. I won’t even go on the front porch, opening the door is pushing it as well. On the occasions that I return home after dark, I RUN into the house, never looking back. I imagine I look like a COMPLETE idiot...it's almost painful to think about.

The sad thing is that I am almost more afraid of the “supernatural” than someone actually attacking me( I blame Hollywood and Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles for that), although the hammer is for intruders. And now, I have a double barrel shotgun in my closet, just in case the hammer isn’t enough. I don’t know if I would actually use this against an intruder, but it does make me feel better knowing it is there each night. So, to would be intruders: Trespassers will be shot or bludgeoned to death by hammer. You were warned.

My dream is to have a '67 Impala with an arsenal in the trunk like in the picture... by the way, the pic is from Supernatural, of course!

Quotes Round 2

Some more to share for Monday:

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” J.K. Rowling (yes, this is from Harry Potter!)

“Don’t use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.” Kurt Vonnegut

“I can see the sun, but even if I cannot see the sun, I know that it exists. And to know that the sun is there—that is living.” Fyodor Dostoevsky

“If you haven’t the strength to impose your own terms upon life, then you must accept the terms it offers you.” T.S. Eliot

“If funkytown were a trailer park, this guy would be a double wide.” Maya Angelou (I love this woman!!)

“And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” J.K. Rowling (Ms. Rowling, you are my hero!!!!)

“Insanity is relative. It depends on who has locked who in what cage.” Ray Bradbury

“The insane, on occasion, are not without their charms.” Kurt Vonnegut (He is AWESOME!)

“The writer is always tricking the reader into listening to their dream.” Joan Didion

“I’ve never any pity for conceited people, because I think they carry their comfort about them.” George Eliot

The Case of the Vanishing Socks....

Okay, we all do laundry and sometimes things go missing. Really, where do those socks go? How is it possible to put 4 socks in the washer and take 3 out of the dryer. I want Mythbusters to investigate this for me! What is the mystery of the missing sock? This is what I think really happens…

Washer: I love the new laundry soap these folks got, it leaves a minty-fresh taste in my mouth…that old juice was like having a bouquet of flowers shoved down my throat.

Dryer: I wish they would switch the dryer sheets. All they buy are the cheap store brand sheets that have no taste. You are so lucky that you get to have fun tastes and refreshing flavors.

Washer: I know! Laundry day is coming up. I hate these days of no action and then they just pile it all on you in one day. It’s just work, work, work! They make you stay up until all hours of the night. It is so frustrating. And they always blame me for all the socks you lose.

Dryer: I am not the one who loses the socks. They never make it in here. I think that you are doing something with them, because there is no possible way that they could mysteriously disappear. What, do they just jump out, last time I checked, socks were just a bunch of old fabric, they are not real. I don’t know why you are making such a big deal about this.

Washer: I hate getting accused of losing socks. It is bad enough that they blame me when their clothes bleed together and they end up with pink sheets, but they should be smart enough to know not to mix whites and reds. It's not that hard to remember!

Dryer: Yeah, right that was entirely your fault! Don’t try to blame them! You had those rust stains and that is what caused the whites to change colors, don’t blame them for something that is your fault.

Washer: You have a lot of nerve saying that…Sock Eater!

Dryer: Color Bleeder!

Washer: That’s it, I am never talking to you again…take all the socks that you want. It’s not my problem

Dryer: Whatever, you probably steal the socks to hide the color damage.

Washer: You are so pathetic!!
Dryer: Whatever…
(wow, i guess in my head the washer and dryer sound juvenile/valley girl!)

Washer and Dryer had fallen asleep. They were exhausted from the previous day--laundry day. The dryer door slowly opened, two eyes peered out into the darkness…I think the coast is clear…let’s make a run for it! And with that the socks hopped down out of the dryer and made their way to freedom.

Somewhere there is a colony of socks, soaking up the rays on a beach. That’s where I would be if I had to be shoved on people’s smelly feet all day.... Really, Jamie and Adam, investigate this please! I would like my socks back!

Quotes

So, recently I have been looking up quotes from some of my favorite authors (plus a few actors)—you can probably tell since I have added some of them to my blog! I decided to share a few on random topics. Some are fun, or poignant, or just plain awesome. This is why I love reading. These are my heroes! I hope you find some you like!

“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough. You don’t need to photograph, paint, or even remember it. It is enough.” Toni Morrison

“How can anyone deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It is beyond me.” Zora Neale Hurston

“Trees and plants always look like the people they live with somehow.” Zora Neale Hurston

“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain.” William Faulkner

“I’m bad, and I’m going to Hell, and I don’t care. I’d rather be in Hell than anywhere you are.” William Faulkner

“Even amidst fierce flames, the golden lotus can be planted.” Inscribed on Sylvia Plath’s tombstone

“There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won’t cure, but I don’t know any of them.” Sylvia Plath

“I don’t care what the critics say. My fabulous mom will give me a good review if nobody else does.” Ginger Rogers

“Old age is no place for sissies.” Bette Davis

“That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.” F. Scott Fitzgerald

“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you odd.” Flannery O’Connor

“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.” Kurt Vonnegut

“Nothing is as obnoxious as other people’s luck.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald

I’ll post some more later…
Oh yeah, the picture isn't creepy, I like it--the book is reaching out to her, get it?? :)

Frankenfish!

The other day on the Syfy channel, there was a movie entitled, “Frankenfish.” It was a FABULOUS story of a giant mutated/engineered fish that roamed the Louisiana Bayou eating people. This made me think of my goldfish I had in college. My roommate and I broke the dorm rules and got fish. It started with a grand adventure to Wal-Mart. We were suckers for the 4 for $1 goldfish bargain. We started out with a fish bowl/cheap decorative vase. This didn’t end well: too many fish, not enough air. The next day, we already had a dead floater. Within a few days, all the fish died. Wow, that was not what I wanted to happen.

So we tried again and got more fish. We did a little better, worked out the clean water/air situation, but these were violent fish. The fish actually started attacking each other, fighting for air or space—very Gladiator like. We had to take one out and put her in her own bowl. We thought she was dead. She was missing scales and covered in blood. This fish became the most hardcore, violent fish I have ever seen, a true FRANKENFISH. It ate/attacked any other fish it encountered. It’s name was Domino, after the “bounty hunter” Domino Harvey (don't judge us-we had just watched the movie). We ended up having to keep her separated because she was so vicious.

Some of our fish became suicidal, or they were simply trying to escape Domino. One day we were chilling and the fish just leaps out of the bowl, splattering on the floor, thrashing about on the carpet. Did that really just happen? I thought that only happened in cartoons!

Another time a fish just disappeared. It might have been kamikaze fish, but we believe it fell victim to demented Domino. Wake up feed 4 fish. Go to class/work. Come home, only 3 fish. I'm not a Math major, but I'm pretty sure 3 is less than 4, and fish just don't disappear. Huh, no fish body lying around near the tank. ! Just vanished, gone…DOMINO??!?!!

When my roommate moved out, she and her husband got an actual tank and took Domino. We hoped the ample space and diversity of fish would settle her down a bit, but no luck! Yet again she continued to eat smaller fish, or ferociously attacking them until they only had one fin, kinda like Nemo, but not as cute. I feel a little bad for creating such a monster fish. I’m just glad she couldn’t mutate into a 30 footer and swallow me whole… I know she would have. Four years later, I’m pretty sure Domino is still alive, terrorizing more poor little fish. I think that she and Frankenfish could have been best buddies! (if they weren't trying to kill each other!)

Anyway, I guess the point of this rant is that I can see how the fish became so psycho and began eating everyone. For once, I actually understood a Syfy movie. Huh, who knew???

(The tagline for this film is: Welcome to the bottom of the food chain! I really need to get a job writing for these people! Genius!)

Is anyone an Airport Baggage Handler???

The other night I went to the airport to pick up my brother and sister-in-law. Their flight arrived 30 minutes early, but it still took over an hour to get the bags. As we stood waiting at the baggage claim area, I had a REVELATION. One of the best people to know or have a connection with is the person who unloads the bags and puts them on the conveyor that shoots said bags up to baggage claim.

Imagine if you knew such a person in at least one airport. You could give them a heads up with your flight and luggage description and they could ensure it was one of the first pieces unloaded. Is it just me, or would that be AMAZING?!?!?

It always seems that the person who owns the first bags to come out are never there on time. That lucky person isn’t there to appreciate such a gift. Their bags seem to circle...looping around, making you feel even more depressed that your bags are never going to come out. The people diligently waiting and searching for their bags always seem to be the ones who have to wait the longest.

Then the moment happens and, yeah, happy feeling. That moment you see your bag peeking up on the belt. Total rush of adrenaline as you bolt up, pushing past anyone in your way, all to assert your dominance and let them know that you are victorious. Yes, that is MY bag. All you suckers have to keep waiting, not ME. That is MY bag and now I can leave!

I’ve never won the lottery (and am still bitter with HGTV Dream Home Giveaway) but I would imagine that feeling is similar to being one of the first people to retrieve their luggage. Or maybe I just exaggerate a bit....

So, any baggage handlers out there, I admire you, and I would like to be your friend.

(And yes, that is Yoda in the picture! He just uses The Force to get his bags! Jealous!)

Superpower

If you could have any super-power what would it be? This question pops up every now and then. I have changed my mind many times, but I think I finally decided that Teleportation/Apparating/Orbing would be the best power.

Ok, flying would be great, but it still takes time, messes up your hair, and requires a certain attire (Superman Cape). Invisibility is handy for spying, gathering information, even for safety reasons, but there are still ways for people to find out where you are (throwing dust on you, etc..).

X-ray vision: we have machines that can do that. But Clark Kent (aka Tom Welling) does look pretty dang good using his X-ray vision! :)

Aquaman's powers: to be honest, a bit creepy. He's like half fish. Don't get me wrong, I love the water, but I'm not THAT impressed.

Being able to instantly travel whether it is 6 feet or 6,000 miles, would be AMAZING. Forget airport lines, security and baggage restrictions. Hhhmmm, it is raining here, but it’s summer in Australia, let me just…oh look, I’m there. Instantaneous! What, there is gonna be a terrorist attack across the country in 5 minutes…..flash, you’re there. I don't think Superman could fly that fast! Think of all the time that could be saved. Wait, the store closes in 10 minutes...flash, you're there! AWESOME!! I am getting a little depressed now that I can’t teleport. Maybe if I sit here and think hard enough.........................................nope, still here. I’ll keep practicing.

Back When.....

So, the other day, Justin and I were at Home Depot getting some random stuff. As we went to check out, I noticed the Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum Tape set up with all the candy and goodies you find at the cashier. It had been YEARS since I had seen, let alone, bought some. I was amazed. All of the sudden, a rush of childhood memories came flooding back. Trying to shove all 6 feet of Bubble Tape in my mouth, good times!!

Then I got to thinking about all the other great toys and foods from my childhood that we don't really have anymore. I can vividly remember by "skip-it." It was the "Barbie" hot pink plastic material, with the counter on the end to tell you how many times you could "skip-it." Pretty soon, I was remembering great TV shows that used to be on. Classic cartoons like, Smurfs, Snorks, Gummi Bears, Bionic 6, Thundercats (HHHOOOO!), Care Bears, heck, even My Little Pony. They just don't make good cartoons like the used to. The other day, I saw a preview for some crazy mermaid Barbie cartoon, with the weird computer imaging or whatever...not like the classic Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, and how all the other Disney cartoons were done.

Man, then the whole snowball effect has taken place. Then I got to thinking about the crazy shows and toys kids have these days. I remember wanting a Barbie Jeep so badly...one that I could drive around myself. Nowadays, my 4-year old nephew has his own John Deere Gator that he cruises around on. WHAT?? And, working with 1st graders in the computer lab. These kids are going on the internet, IMing, emailing, all sorts of crazy stuff. I remember when I was in 1st grade, we got to use the computers to use Encarta Encyclopedia to look up information. And then they would let us use Paint to make pretty pictures. Now, these kids are downloading images, and all sorts of stuff. Makes me feel like I was kinda stupid...no, they just have more access to the technology than I did.

Yes, all of this started from buying a single container of Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum Tape. "Six Feet of Fun." Sure makes me miss being a kid.

Olympic Fever

I find that there is something almost magical about the olympics. I enjoy watching sports, but mainly only soccer. Once the olympics come on, I will watch sports I've never heard of or would never watch by choice. (ie, curling, alpine skiing,speed skating, hockey...) And yet, here I am, cheering for the US curling team, watching the US men's hockey team beat Canada, and cheering for CHINESE pairs figure skating. Yes, I really wanted the cute Chinese couple to win, even if my brother called me a communist. Also, I actually got a little teary-eyed when Canada won its first gold medal, I mean really, but I was proud and excited for them. And heck, what about when they show the medal ceremonies, each time an American wins a gold and the flag goes up, and the National Anthem plays, it gives a sense of pride and emotion, something you wouldn't really expect, or at least I wouldn't. In times of turmoil or recession, or whatever, it makes you proud to be American, Canandian, or whatever, to see people representing your nation, doing their best, and making their families proud. (Don't you remember "Cool Runnings??") Anyway, I hope others are enjoying the Olympics and take a moment to feel good about the world coming together for some good old sports competition!!! :) Congrats to the US for doing so well!

Reality TV Has Ruined America

I like to say that reality shows/tv has ruined America, especially teenagers. Thanks MTV! (cue song "1985": and music still on MTV!) Geez MTV, haven't you ruined enough of America without introducing JERSEY SHORE! Why did you introduce these Darwin Award Winners to society. I've never seen the show...I'm too scared my IQ will actually drop 30 points if I do. Luckily, Joel McHale gives me highlights, or lowlights, from the show....Yeah for The Soup!

I would like to put special blame on Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, aka 'Speidi." They live in a delusional world and believe they really are famous. It is more like driving by a car wreck, you might slow down and see what is happening, but in the end, you keep on driving. I like to refer to them as stray cats...if you don't feed they will go away. Dear media outlets, stops giving them attention and maybe Speidi will GO AWAY! Addicted to plastic surgery?? She now looks more like a 40 yr old transvestite.

What about the Gosselins...who would have thought that Jon would actually make Kate look good! Ed Hardy can thank Jon for making their brand synonymous with "douche bag." That's gotta hurt.

Killing the Beast

This is the MOST important rule to abide by (other than #1: prevention). It might seem like a simple or obvious enough statement, but the point is to MAKE SURE the creature IS dead. How many times have we seen the horror movie sequel because the bad guy wasn't really dead? Or Maybe at the very end of the movie, when the survivors think they are home safe, we see a flash of a hook or sickle to finish the job. Here are some GUARANTEED tips to make sure your beast is dead.

#1 The Double Tap: Don't just shoot once, MAKE SURE he/she/it is down. Empty the clip into the head or heart. If you don't have a gun, hit it multiple times in the head. Even deformed/inbred/mutated humans can't survive a double tap to the head. This won't kill a ghost, but a shotgun shell of rock salt will slow it down.

#2 After your psycho/creature is incapacitated or 'dead,' cut off the head. This might seem gruesome, but trust me, it is necessary. This works well with vampires as well.

# 3 Once the head or other extremities haev been removed and dispersed (no chance it can regenerate or be put back together) LIGHT IT ON FIRE. Stick around and watch it burn. I know you will want to run away, but you want to be 100% sure that thing is not coming back for you at any time. Trust me, you will not be sorry.

These tips might seem rather violent and gruesome, but isn't that why we love our horror movie to begin with??

Old School Writings....

I was looking around on my computer last night and found my "writing journal" from my Intro to Creative Writing class 4 YEARS AGO. It was quite entertaining. I thought I would share a sample of something I wrote (without edits)....I hope my writing has improved since then! :)

It has all the requirements you need to study, from books and magazines to computers with the internet. It is supposed to be a place of learning and meditation, but the library is most likely to be a social hot spot. Jimmy sits at his cubicle and cunningly pulls out a book so he doesn't look unprepared. He carefully maneuvers his book so he can watch the world around him instead of studying. He spies a girl in a pink Barbie kiddy pool, rehearsing her synchronized swimming routine. The water splashes out of the pool, flowing and puddling into the corner of the room. The air is so cold that the water freezes and forms a perfect ice skating rink. Students stroll up wearing their skates, jump onto the ice, and begin twirling. All of this is going on next to the boy playing his guitar. He strums his guitar, writing the next big hit. Jimmy looks toward the door and in prances an elephant behind its trainer. The elephant rises, balances on two feet, then collapses to the ground, causing a minor earthquake. Books rattle on the shelves; a few falling out of place and piling up on the ground. The Outdoor Sports Club uses the mountain of books as rock climbing practice. Behind all of the computers, some students have set up targets for archery practice. With arrows whizzing overhead, Jimmy looks down and writes the first paragraph of his English essay.

It's amazing that I am not yet a published author! :)

Survival Guide Cont....

You still haven't listened. You broke the first rule, and watched the second rule in action. You found the remains of your friends, maybe an arm or eyeball from the boy who went to peak into the darkened room. You have now entered the horror movie, and there is no going back. Once the first person has died, it is now kill or be killed. Here are some tools that should always carry with you/begin to find now that you are in the horror film:

It may not be practical to carry around a double barrel shotgun in your purse, or a wooden stake to kill a vampire, but you should ALWAYS have a cell phone/radio. Make sure the battery is chargered and have it with you at all times--never hesitate to use it. They won't kill you for making a bad 9-1-1 call, but not making the call might get you killed.

Holy Water-- this might seem a little crazy, but ya never know when you'll need to burn a vampire, witch, ghost, or whatever. BE PREPARED!

FLASHLIGHT! Idiots that go in the dark without one DESERVE to die. They having amazing LED lights you can attach to keys and everything.

Pencils: Can be used as a wooden stake to kill vampires (See Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Also, can be used against humans. Remember the scene in The Dark Knight: "Wanna see a magic trick?" I'm just saying, getting stabbed with a pencil will hurt.

Ligther/Matches: Fire is very helpful in pretty much any situation. Blowing things up and burning them down can help you escape. As part of the guaranteed survival, you need to burn the corpse of whatever was hunting you, just to make sure it is DEAD! Also, you need to burn the bones of a ghost who is haunting you.

Silver Bullet: this is optional. Since Twilight has forced its way into pop culture, vampires and werewolves aren't as scary as they used to be. Sorry Jacob Black, but I'll shoot first and ask questions later.

Of course you should gather other weapons as you go on...pitchfork, knife, gun, sickle, whatever. Take whatever you feel is necessary. "Better safe than Sorry" is 100% true in horror situations.

For more suggestions on tools/weapons you'll need, watch "Supernatural" and study the contents of Sam and Dean's truck. If you'll need it, they'll have it.

(PS: Evan R. Lawson, CFO of Hank Med is in Splinter!)

Life Goals

I have many goals in my life: see FC Barcelona play at the Camp Nou, write a best selling novel,cure cancer, establish world peace, marry Sergio Busquets, and a few other noble goals that would make the world a better place. I also have some more realistic or shameful goals. My secret shame is that I desperately want to be in a Syfy/Hallmark/Lifetime movie, mostly because being in a movie on any of these networks requires little(or no)talent and skill. I might never make it to Hollywood, but my chances of being eaten by a mutant monster, escaping an abusive relationship, or dealing with teen pregnancy are much higher. My mom and sister also seem to think a good goal would be to guest star on a Spanish telenovela, playing the white fed-ex girl or something (must see "Psych" episode)....maybe I could also be a WWE diva, but then I would have to create a ridiculous stage name and foreign accent. That takes a little more effort and creativity. Hey, at least I would be on TV! Don't judge, it is important to have goals....

Brangelina split???

Recently the entertainment world was rocked with rumors of a possible Brangelina split. OMG!! How will the world survive? Rumors first surfaced that the couple fought about Brad's home in New Orleans and his wanting to spend more time there with the kids. Apparently, Angelina hates the city and refuses to be a part of his humanitarian efforts there. The next rumor was that Angelina cheated with a dialect coach from her new movie. Really?? Because of this, Brad supposedly bought a "bachelor pad" in California. (And maybe to escape her manic episodes???)

The best rumor comes from E!'s website: Brad is wandering about looking and SMELLING like a homeless person because he is so distraught over the split. Oh how the mighty (aka:"Sexiest Man Alive") are fallen.

Despite not being seen together in public for (gasp!) almost an entire month, reps for both actors state the couple is "going strong" and rumors of a separation are false. Isn't that always the case? For once I would like a couple to admit, why yes, the rumors are true and she left his sorry ass because he cheated with half of America. (yes, you Tiger!) Or, maybe that he got the hell outta there because she is one crazy witch. (kate/jon gosselin??) A little honesty would be nice. Instead, they drag it on and on, until, ok, yeah, they finally admit that they have both agreed to separate.

These are some reasons I like to hear: It is the best option for the family. They are focusing on their respective careers. They remain dedicated parents and close friends. They both decided it was best for both parties to part at this time. Their agents should get bonuses for how they word the announcements of separation/divorce.

Well, if the rumors are true, Hollywood will be heartbroken, and gossip magazines will be thrilled. Angelina will adopt another child (maybe Haitian?), get a tattoo and break up another marriage. Brad will shave off that horrendous beard and run back to Jen. Jen will slam the door on his cheatin' butt and go do some yoga....I love Hollywood couples!

Twilight????

I might make a lot of enemies for writing this, but I am hoping some people will agree with me, or maybe understand why others don't "get" the Twilight hype. Before you bite my head off or send the Cullens after me, let me explain. Let me say that yes, I have read all the Twilight books and have seen the movies. In fact, I have read the books numerous times, hoping they might get better each time I read them, but it didn't quite happen. Too much teen angst and drama to warrant any merit from the real literary world. Reading them was almost painful. At least the movie was humorous, not that it intended to be.

Stephenie Meyer you are amazing. I mean, your taste in music is excellent! Muse is the best band EVER!! Plus you were an English major, as was I. You went to BYU; I went to BYU Hawaii. Plus, I love that your friends would ask, "What can you do with an English degree?" and here you bust out these four books and create a world wide phenomenon, becoming a multi-millionaire in the process! Props to you. You are my hero in many respects. But come on, most of the "romantic" things Edward does for Bella are borderline stalker and creeper. Let me explain:

1.) AGE DIFFERENCE! Edward is mentally and emotionally 100 years older than Bella. Yeah, yeah, he looks 17, but he is still an old man chasing a teenager. I don't want creeper chasing after me....(insert Ke$ha's song "Dinosaur)

2.) Edward sneaks into her room at night and watches her sleep. I am pretty sure that is "illegal in all 51 states, including Puerto Rico!" Before they really know each other he is creeping in to her room, hovering in a corner and watching her. Breaking and entering isn't romantic. I would expect a little more from such a wholesome vampire with high morals. I guess that doesn't apply when you are obsessed with some lowly human who has stolen your heart.

3.) Vampire mythology...oh, I will just make my own. What happened to centuries of vampire lore and mythology. I know vampire legends aren't scientific, but to just create an entirely new set of rules takes some guts Stephenie, especially with all the vampire enthusiasts around the world. The joy of writing is that you can create whatever world you want, but throwing away expected vampire lore to make your vampires "sparkle" in sunlight...I had hoped for a little more.

4.) No vampire with a soul can be better than Angel. Joss Whedon had it right: Angel would kick Edward's ass. Yes, I am a secret Angel/Buffy fan. Let's all just admit that Edward is pretty much 75% Angel anyway. Admit it Stephenie, you had to have watched Buffy a few times. Especially when Edward leaves Bella, causing her to be catatonic...STRAIGHT OUT of the Buffy episode. Angel and Edward are both self-loathing, do-gooders, very much the "Byronic" character....I guess my college education is coming in handy...

Anyway, these are few of my issues with Twilight. (Even though, I secretly want to be Stephenie Meyer!) Oh, this weekend I found a parody of the saga, "Nightlight." Check it out!!!

Rule #2

You've read Rule #1, but you didn't quite listen. Call it a genetic defect or just plain stupidity, but you broke one of the previous rules of Common Sense and are now in a sketchy situation. This brings us to our next rule:

Rule#2 Don't be stupid or skanky

Dumb whores (male and female) always die first. Okay, okay, that might sound a little harsh, but we all know it is true. In every classic horror/syfy movie, the person who hears that sound in a dark room down the hall and then goes to investigate ends up with a sickle in the back or pitchfork through the heart. You all know who I am talking about: that first stupid person who doesn't listen to common sense and goes to figure out what is going on. Huh, I wonder what this creepy voodoo doll lying in the middle of the floor could mean? Is that really blood on the wall? Why is that light flickering? Did I just see a shadow move outside? If you ask yourself any of these questions, forget it, find a group, and grab a weapon. Don't go out to exlpore, you will only wind up dead. I also said that "dumb whores" die first as well. Sometimes they might be the stupid person who investigates the noise or maybe they are the two who sneak of for some romantic encounter in the woods or psych hospital....come on, REALLY?? Sorry, but you are goners as well. Also, if your stomach, boobs, butt, or thighs are exposed, chances are you are skanky and will be among the first to die. And boys, dressing like K. Fed is never a good idea. Only once have I seen a K. Fed wannabe survive/ (And I guarantee John Gosselin would be the first to go and nobody would care!) There might be a few ways to avoid this: cover up and don't be such a ho. This might be a hard concept to grasp for some of you, but trust me, skanky people die just as fast as the dumb ones. Do yourself a favor and clean it up. It might just save your life.

( If you can't read the caption for this movie it is: If they fly, YOU DIE!! AWESOME)

WHY??

I think I may have been the only person alive not blogging...well, maybe a bit of an exageration, but really. Why did I finally give in? Here ya go: I graduated from college about two years ago. I graduated Summa Cum with a BA in English. I didn't really know what I was going to do with that, I mean, writers don't make money, right? (with the exception of Stephenie Meyer and JK Rowling, they don't really count, do they?) I guess I was jaded and thought, well, I have a college degree, that should be good for something. LIES!! Maybe it is my area of study, maybe it is the mostly the economy, either way, I am still unemployed. The sad thing is a lot of my college friends/classmates are unemployed as well, or if they do have a job, it is a low-paying job unrelated to what they studied in school. We are drilled into going to college. Advisors and parents told us that is what we needed to do to get a good job. Well, here I am...I graduated, so where is my good paying job, heck, where is a job? Can I blame it on Obama...that seems to work these days. All of the sudden having a BA/BS or whatever isn't good enough anymore, you need to continue on for your Master's or PhD. I am all for the continuing education, but wouldn't it be nice to have a job to pay for this education. Anyway, since I have soooooo much free time, I have decided to get back to writing and actually letting others read what I write. (not that many people will read it--at least i will feel better for putting it out there!) So, look forward to some random articles, insights, reading/movie suggestions and reviews. Please leave comments and suggestions. The biggest project I am working on right now is the Syfy Survival Guide. The best thing about writing is it can be whatever you want, as long as you have fun with it....that is the joy and allure. "I write so others can hear the voices in my head"...."I write because I want more than one life!"

Smashing Katie

This is a great site:http://smashingkatie.com/. They have GREAT products. This is just a sample of what they have. The girls pair classic photos with great captions on a variety of products. Check it out...

Syfy/Horror Movie Survival Guide

Since I have moved to a new city and am still unemployed after months of RIGOROUS searching and applying, I spend a lot of time watching tv or made for tv movies, especially on the Syfy channel. Some favorites have been: Timber Falls, Splinter, and Flu Bird Horror. Really, ya need to check these out. I have also been informed that they have a new film, Snakes on a Sub...should be yet another winner. Anyway, I have begun writing a Survival Guide for such stories. Here is a sneak peek!

I once took an online quiz posted on Facebook entitled, "How long would you last in a horror movie?" Being somewhat of a Syfy network watcher and horror enthusiast (possibly just bored), I decided to take said quiz. I can't remember all of the questions, but the idea and theory behind this "scientific" evaluation of my survival skils has given me enough insight to ensure no evil/psycho/possessed/mutated/alien creature is gonna take me alive. Here is one humble movie watcher's guide to survive any horror/syfy movie situation you may find yourself in.

#1 Common Sense

I would like to call this the common sense section, because let's face it, avoiding these situations will pretty much GUARANTEE you won't be hunted like some poor bunny rabbit by a blood thirsty werewolf (sorry Twilight enthusiasts) Using common sense meanse avoiding any or all of the following situations:

a)Unleashing some undead creature by reading from a sacred or cursed book. Come on, those warnings were there for a reason. If you were still dumb enough to open the chest, read the book, or perform some voodoo ritual, chances are you deserve whatever evil you summoned.

b.)Don't kill anyone and try to get away with it. How many times have sorority girls, frat boys, or whoever accidently killed a friend/nemesis/pledge and tried to cover it up, only to have the spirit of the departed come back to haunt them and seek revenge. So, if you are playing a prank and it goes bad, don't throw their body in the lake or bury them in the woods...CALL THE POLICE! Admit your guilt and save yourself the trouble of the evil spirit coming back from the dead to torment, torture and kill you. It really is THAT easy!

c.)Stay away from creepy backwoods trails/people and pretty much anywhere in West Virginia. This is a big one, so let me repeat: STAY AWAT FROM CREEPY PEOPLE AND PLACES. If you are on a hike in the woods and a crapy lady towing a wagon tells you to take a certain trail: Get the HELL outta there. Okay, so you ignore that first warning and continue on the trail and come into contact with backwoods hunters selling you moonshine and hittin' on your woman. Normal people pack up and LEAVE, maybe you should do the same. Trust your gut on this one, if a place or redneck missing half his teeth tries to give you advice and it doesn't feel right, RUN away. Better to look stupid then to be dinner for the next Hannibal Lector of West Virginia.

d.) Stay away from cursed/haunted destinations. Oh yeah, what a great idea to go to the old Psychiatric hospital for a night with your friends. Spending a night in the "haunted mansion" can't be that bad; I'm tough and not afraid of anything. Yeah right, IDIOTS! Once again if you go to any of these places willingly, especially at night, or a STORMY night, we will let natural selection finish you off. Don't expect anyone to rescue you! Even at daytime these places should be avoided...psychos and the paranormal never sleep, and when determined, it doesn't matter if it is noontime or midnight, they will get the job done. Although we all know it is scarier at night...

Rule 2 coming soon....