Reality TV Has Ruined America

I like to say that reality shows/tv has ruined America, especially teenagers. Thanks MTV! (cue song "1985": and music still on MTV!) Geez MTV, haven't you ruined enough of America without introducing JERSEY SHORE! Why did you introduce these Darwin Award Winners to society. I've never seen the show...I'm too scared my IQ will actually drop 30 points if I do. Luckily, Joel McHale gives me highlights, or lowlights, from the show....Yeah for The Soup!

I would like to put special blame on Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, aka 'Speidi." They live in a delusional world and believe they really are famous. It is more like driving by a car wreck, you might slow down and see what is happening, but in the end, you keep on driving. I like to refer to them as stray cats...if you don't feed they will go away. Dear media outlets, stops giving them attention and maybe Speidi will GO AWAY! Addicted to plastic surgery?? She now looks more like a 40 yr old transvestite.

What about the Gosselins...who would have thought that Jon would actually make Kate look good! Ed Hardy can thank Jon for making their brand synonymous with "douche bag." That's gotta hurt.

Killing the Beast

This is the MOST important rule to abide by (other than #1: prevention). It might seem like a simple or obvious enough statement, but the point is to MAKE SURE the creature IS dead. How many times have we seen the horror movie sequel because the bad guy wasn't really dead? Or Maybe at the very end of the movie, when the survivors think they are home safe, we see a flash of a hook or sickle to finish the job. Here are some GUARANTEED tips to make sure your beast is dead.

#1 The Double Tap: Don't just shoot once, MAKE SURE he/she/it is down. Empty the clip into the head or heart. If you don't have a gun, hit it multiple times in the head. Even deformed/inbred/mutated humans can't survive a double tap to the head. This won't kill a ghost, but a shotgun shell of rock salt will slow it down.

#2 After your psycho/creature is incapacitated or 'dead,' cut off the head. This might seem gruesome, but trust me, it is necessary. This works well with vampires as well.

# 3 Once the head or other extremities haev been removed and dispersed (no chance it can regenerate or be put back together) LIGHT IT ON FIRE. Stick around and watch it burn. I know you will want to run away, but you want to be 100% sure that thing is not coming back for you at any time. Trust me, you will not be sorry.

These tips might seem rather violent and gruesome, but isn't that why we love our horror movie to begin with??

Old School Writings....

I was looking around on my computer last night and found my "writing journal" from my Intro to Creative Writing class 4 YEARS AGO. It was quite entertaining. I thought I would share a sample of something I wrote (without edits)....I hope my writing has improved since then! :)

It has all the requirements you need to study, from books and magazines to computers with the internet. It is supposed to be a place of learning and meditation, but the library is most likely to be a social hot spot. Jimmy sits at his cubicle and cunningly pulls out a book so he doesn't look unprepared. He carefully maneuvers his book so he can watch the world around him instead of studying. He spies a girl in a pink Barbie kiddy pool, rehearsing her synchronized swimming routine. The water splashes out of the pool, flowing and puddling into the corner of the room. The air is so cold that the water freezes and forms a perfect ice skating rink. Students stroll up wearing their skates, jump onto the ice, and begin twirling. All of this is going on next to the boy playing his guitar. He strums his guitar, writing the next big hit. Jimmy looks toward the door and in prances an elephant behind its trainer. The elephant rises, balances on two feet, then collapses to the ground, causing a minor earthquake. Books rattle on the shelves; a few falling out of place and piling up on the ground. The Outdoor Sports Club uses the mountain of books as rock climbing practice. Behind all of the computers, some students have set up targets for archery practice. With arrows whizzing overhead, Jimmy looks down and writes the first paragraph of his English essay.

It's amazing that I am not yet a published author! :)

Survival Guide Cont....

You still haven't listened. You broke the first rule, and watched the second rule in action. You found the remains of your friends, maybe an arm or eyeball from the boy who went to peak into the darkened room. You have now entered the horror movie, and there is no going back. Once the first person has died, it is now kill or be killed. Here are some tools that should always carry with you/begin to find now that you are in the horror film:

It may not be practical to carry around a double barrel shotgun in your purse, or a wooden stake to kill a vampire, but you should ALWAYS have a cell phone/radio. Make sure the battery is chargered and have it with you at all times--never hesitate to use it. They won't kill you for making a bad 9-1-1 call, but not making the call might get you killed.

Holy Water-- this might seem a little crazy, but ya never know when you'll need to burn a vampire, witch, ghost, or whatever. BE PREPARED!

FLASHLIGHT! Idiots that go in the dark without one DESERVE to die. They having amazing LED lights you can attach to keys and everything.

Pencils: Can be used as a wooden stake to kill vampires (See Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Also, can be used against humans. Remember the scene in The Dark Knight: "Wanna see a magic trick?" I'm just saying, getting stabbed with a pencil will hurt.

Ligther/Matches: Fire is very helpful in pretty much any situation. Blowing things up and burning them down can help you escape. As part of the guaranteed survival, you need to burn the corpse of whatever was hunting you, just to make sure it is DEAD! Also, you need to burn the bones of a ghost who is haunting you.

Silver Bullet: this is optional. Since Twilight has forced its way into pop culture, vampires and werewolves aren't as scary as they used to be. Sorry Jacob Black, but I'll shoot first and ask questions later.

Of course you should gather other weapons as you go on...pitchfork, knife, gun, sickle, whatever. Take whatever you feel is necessary. "Better safe than Sorry" is 100% true in horror situations.

For more suggestions on tools/weapons you'll need, watch "Supernatural" and study the contents of Sam and Dean's truck. If you'll need it, they'll have it.

(PS: Evan R. Lawson, CFO of Hank Med is in Splinter!)

Life Goals

I have many goals in my life: see FC Barcelona play at the Camp Nou, write a best selling novel,cure cancer, establish world peace, marry Sergio Busquets, and a few other noble goals that would make the world a better place. I also have some more realistic or shameful goals. My secret shame is that I desperately want to be in a Syfy/Hallmark/Lifetime movie, mostly because being in a movie on any of these networks requires little(or no)talent and skill. I might never make it to Hollywood, but my chances of being eaten by a mutant monster, escaping an abusive relationship, or dealing with teen pregnancy are much higher. My mom and sister also seem to think a good goal would be to guest star on a Spanish telenovela, playing the white fed-ex girl or something (must see "Psych" episode)....maybe I could also be a WWE diva, but then I would have to create a ridiculous stage name and foreign accent. That takes a little more effort and creativity. Hey, at least I would be on TV! Don't judge, it is important to have goals....

Brangelina split???

Recently the entertainment world was rocked with rumors of a possible Brangelina split. OMG!! How will the world survive? Rumors first surfaced that the couple fought about Brad's home in New Orleans and his wanting to spend more time there with the kids. Apparently, Angelina hates the city and refuses to be a part of his humanitarian efforts there. The next rumor was that Angelina cheated with a dialect coach from her new movie. Really?? Because of this, Brad supposedly bought a "bachelor pad" in California. (And maybe to escape her manic episodes???)

The best rumor comes from E!'s website: Brad is wandering about looking and SMELLING like a homeless person because he is so distraught over the split. Oh how the mighty (aka:"Sexiest Man Alive") are fallen.

Despite not being seen together in public for (gasp!) almost an entire month, reps for both actors state the couple is "going strong" and rumors of a separation are false. Isn't that always the case? For once I would like a couple to admit, why yes, the rumors are true and she left his sorry ass because he cheated with half of America. (yes, you Tiger!) Or, maybe that he got the hell outta there because she is one crazy witch. (kate/jon gosselin??) A little honesty would be nice. Instead, they drag it on and on, until, ok, yeah, they finally admit that they have both agreed to separate.

These are some reasons I like to hear: It is the best option for the family. They are focusing on their respective careers. They remain dedicated parents and close friends. They both decided it was best for both parties to part at this time. Their agents should get bonuses for how they word the announcements of separation/divorce.

Well, if the rumors are true, Hollywood will be heartbroken, and gossip magazines will be thrilled. Angelina will adopt another child (maybe Haitian?), get a tattoo and break up another marriage. Brad will shave off that horrendous beard and run back to Jen. Jen will slam the door on his cheatin' butt and go do some yoga....I love Hollywood couples!

Twilight????

I might make a lot of enemies for writing this, but I am hoping some people will agree with me, or maybe understand why others don't "get" the Twilight hype. Before you bite my head off or send the Cullens after me, let me explain. Let me say that yes, I have read all the Twilight books and have seen the movies. In fact, I have read the books numerous times, hoping they might get better each time I read them, but it didn't quite happen. Too much teen angst and drama to warrant any merit from the real literary world. Reading them was almost painful. At least the movie was humorous, not that it intended to be.

Stephenie Meyer you are amazing. I mean, your taste in music is excellent! Muse is the best band EVER!! Plus you were an English major, as was I. You went to BYU; I went to BYU Hawaii. Plus, I love that your friends would ask, "What can you do with an English degree?" and here you bust out these four books and create a world wide phenomenon, becoming a multi-millionaire in the process! Props to you. You are my hero in many respects. But come on, most of the "romantic" things Edward does for Bella are borderline stalker and creeper. Let me explain:

1.) AGE DIFFERENCE! Edward is mentally and emotionally 100 years older than Bella. Yeah, yeah, he looks 17, but he is still an old man chasing a teenager. I don't want creeper chasing after me....(insert Ke$ha's song "Dinosaur)

2.) Edward sneaks into her room at night and watches her sleep. I am pretty sure that is "illegal in all 51 states, including Puerto Rico!" Before they really know each other he is creeping in to her room, hovering in a corner and watching her. Breaking and entering isn't romantic. I would expect a little more from such a wholesome vampire with high morals. I guess that doesn't apply when you are obsessed with some lowly human who has stolen your heart.

3.) Vampire mythology...oh, I will just make my own. What happened to centuries of vampire lore and mythology. I know vampire legends aren't scientific, but to just create an entirely new set of rules takes some guts Stephenie, especially with all the vampire enthusiasts around the world. The joy of writing is that you can create whatever world you want, but throwing away expected vampire lore to make your vampires "sparkle" in sunlight...I had hoped for a little more.

4.) No vampire with a soul can be better than Angel. Joss Whedon had it right: Angel would kick Edward's ass. Yes, I am a secret Angel/Buffy fan. Let's all just admit that Edward is pretty much 75% Angel anyway. Admit it Stephenie, you had to have watched Buffy a few times. Especially when Edward leaves Bella, causing her to be catatonic...STRAIGHT OUT of the Buffy episode. Angel and Edward are both self-loathing, do-gooders, very much the "Byronic" character....I guess my college education is coming in handy...

Anyway, these are few of my issues with Twilight. (Even though, I secretly want to be Stephenie Meyer!) Oh, this weekend I found a parody of the saga, "Nightlight." Check it out!!!

Rule #2

You've read Rule #1, but you didn't quite listen. Call it a genetic defect or just plain stupidity, but you broke one of the previous rules of Common Sense and are now in a sketchy situation. This brings us to our next rule:

Rule#2 Don't be stupid or skanky

Dumb whores (male and female) always die first. Okay, okay, that might sound a little harsh, but we all know it is true. In every classic horror/syfy movie, the person who hears that sound in a dark room down the hall and then goes to investigate ends up with a sickle in the back or pitchfork through the heart. You all know who I am talking about: that first stupid person who doesn't listen to common sense and goes to figure out what is going on. Huh, I wonder what this creepy voodoo doll lying in the middle of the floor could mean? Is that really blood on the wall? Why is that light flickering? Did I just see a shadow move outside? If you ask yourself any of these questions, forget it, find a group, and grab a weapon. Don't go out to exlpore, you will only wind up dead. I also said that "dumb whores" die first as well. Sometimes they might be the stupid person who investigates the noise or maybe they are the two who sneak of for some romantic encounter in the woods or psych hospital....come on, REALLY?? Sorry, but you are goners as well. Also, if your stomach, boobs, butt, or thighs are exposed, chances are you are skanky and will be among the first to die. And boys, dressing like K. Fed is never a good idea. Only once have I seen a K. Fed wannabe survive/ (And I guarantee John Gosselin would be the first to go and nobody would care!) There might be a few ways to avoid this: cover up and don't be such a ho. This might be a hard concept to grasp for some of you, but trust me, skanky people die just as fast as the dumb ones. Do yourself a favor and clean it up. It might just save your life.

( If you can't read the caption for this movie it is: If they fly, YOU DIE!! AWESOME)

WHY??

I think I may have been the only person alive not blogging...well, maybe a bit of an exageration, but really. Why did I finally give in? Here ya go: I graduated from college about two years ago. I graduated Summa Cum with a BA in English. I didn't really know what I was going to do with that, I mean, writers don't make money, right? (with the exception of Stephenie Meyer and JK Rowling, they don't really count, do they?) I guess I was jaded and thought, well, I have a college degree, that should be good for something. LIES!! Maybe it is my area of study, maybe it is the mostly the economy, either way, I am still unemployed. The sad thing is a lot of my college friends/classmates are unemployed as well, or if they do have a job, it is a low-paying job unrelated to what they studied in school. We are drilled into going to college. Advisors and parents told us that is what we needed to do to get a good job. Well, here I am...I graduated, so where is my good paying job, heck, where is a job? Can I blame it on Obama...that seems to work these days. All of the sudden having a BA/BS or whatever isn't good enough anymore, you need to continue on for your Master's or PhD. I am all for the continuing education, but wouldn't it be nice to have a job to pay for this education. Anyway, since I have soooooo much free time, I have decided to get back to writing and actually letting others read what I write. (not that many people will read it--at least i will feel better for putting it out there!) So, look forward to some random articles, insights, reading/movie suggestions and reviews. Please leave comments and suggestions. The biggest project I am working on right now is the Syfy Survival Guide. The best thing about writing is it can be whatever you want, as long as you have fun with it....that is the joy and allure. "I write so others can hear the voices in my head"...."I write because I want more than one life!"

Smashing Katie

This is a great site:http://smashingkatie.com/. They have GREAT products. This is just a sample of what they have. The girls pair classic photos with great captions on a variety of products. Check it out...

Syfy/Horror Movie Survival Guide

Since I have moved to a new city and am still unemployed after months of RIGOROUS searching and applying, I spend a lot of time watching tv or made for tv movies, especially on the Syfy channel. Some favorites have been: Timber Falls, Splinter, and Flu Bird Horror. Really, ya need to check these out. I have also been informed that they have a new film, Snakes on a Sub...should be yet another winner. Anyway, I have begun writing a Survival Guide for such stories. Here is a sneak peek!

I once took an online quiz posted on Facebook entitled, "How long would you last in a horror movie?" Being somewhat of a Syfy network watcher and horror enthusiast (possibly just bored), I decided to take said quiz. I can't remember all of the questions, but the idea and theory behind this "scientific" evaluation of my survival skils has given me enough insight to ensure no evil/psycho/possessed/mutated/alien creature is gonna take me alive. Here is one humble movie watcher's guide to survive any horror/syfy movie situation you may find yourself in.

#1 Common Sense

I would like to call this the common sense section, because let's face it, avoiding these situations will pretty much GUARANTEE you won't be hunted like some poor bunny rabbit by a blood thirsty werewolf (sorry Twilight enthusiasts) Using common sense meanse avoiding any or all of the following situations:

a)Unleashing some undead creature by reading from a sacred or cursed book. Come on, those warnings were there for a reason. If you were still dumb enough to open the chest, read the book, or perform some voodoo ritual, chances are you deserve whatever evil you summoned.

b.)Don't kill anyone and try to get away with it. How many times have sorority girls, frat boys, or whoever accidently killed a friend/nemesis/pledge and tried to cover it up, only to have the spirit of the departed come back to haunt them and seek revenge. So, if you are playing a prank and it goes bad, don't throw their body in the lake or bury them in the woods...CALL THE POLICE! Admit your guilt and save yourself the trouble of the evil spirit coming back from the dead to torment, torture and kill you. It really is THAT easy!

c.)Stay away from creepy backwoods trails/people and pretty much anywhere in West Virginia. This is a big one, so let me repeat: STAY AWAT FROM CREEPY PEOPLE AND PLACES. If you are on a hike in the woods and a crapy lady towing a wagon tells you to take a certain trail: Get the HELL outta there. Okay, so you ignore that first warning and continue on the trail and come into contact with backwoods hunters selling you moonshine and hittin' on your woman. Normal people pack up and LEAVE, maybe you should do the same. Trust your gut on this one, if a place or redneck missing half his teeth tries to give you advice and it doesn't feel right, RUN away. Better to look stupid then to be dinner for the next Hannibal Lector of West Virginia.

d.) Stay away from cursed/haunted destinations. Oh yeah, what a great idea to go to the old Psychiatric hospital for a night with your friends. Spending a night in the "haunted mansion" can't be that bad; I'm tough and not afraid of anything. Yeah right, IDIOTS! Once again if you go to any of these places willingly, especially at night, or a STORMY night, we will let natural selection finish you off. Don't expect anyone to rescue you! Even at daytime these places should be avoided...psychos and the paranormal never sleep, and when determined, it doesn't matter if it is noontime or midnight, they will get the job done. Although we all know it is scarier at night...

Rule 2 coming soon....