Since I have moved to a new city and am still unemployed after months of RIGOROUS searching and applying, I spend a lot of time watching tv or made for tv movies, especially on the Syfy channel. Some favorites have been: Timber Falls, Splinter, and Flu Bird Horror. Really, ya need to check these out. I have also been informed that they have a new film, Snakes on a Sub...should be yet another winner. Anyway, I have begun writing a Survival Guide for such stories. Here is a sneak peek!
I once took an online quiz posted on Facebook entitled, "How long would you last in a horror movie?" Being somewhat of a Syfy network watcher and horror enthusiast (possibly just bored), I decided to take said quiz. I can't remember all of the questions, but the idea and theory behind this "scientific" evaluation of my survival skils has given me enough insight to ensure no evil/psycho/possessed/mutated/alien creature is gonna take me alive. Here is one humble movie watcher's guide to survive any horror/syfy movie situation you may find yourself in.
#1 Common Sense
I would like to call this the common sense section, because let's face it, avoiding these situations will pretty much GUARANTEE you won't be hunted like some poor bunny rabbit by a blood thirsty werewolf (sorry Twilight enthusiasts) Using common sense meanse avoiding any or all of the following situations:
a)Unleashing some undead creature by reading from a sacred or cursed book. Come on, those warnings were there for a reason. If you were still dumb enough to open the chest, read the book, or perform some voodoo ritual, chances are you deserve whatever evil you summoned.
b.)Don't kill anyone and try to get away with it. How many times have sorority girls, frat boys, or whoever accidently killed a friend/nemesis/pledge and tried to cover it up, only to have the spirit of the departed come back to haunt them and seek revenge. So, if you are playing a prank and it goes bad, don't throw their body in the lake or bury them in the woods...CALL THE POLICE! Admit your guilt and save yourself the trouble of the evil spirit coming back from the dead to torment, torture and kill you. It really is THAT easy!
c.)Stay away from creepy backwoods trails/people and pretty much anywhere in West Virginia. This is a big one, so let me repeat: STAY AWAT FROM CREEPY PEOPLE AND PLACES. If you are on a hike in the woods and a crapy lady towing a wagon tells you to take a certain trail: Get the HELL outta there. Okay, so you ignore that first warning and continue on the trail and come into contact with backwoods hunters selling you moonshine and hittin' on your woman. Normal people pack up and LEAVE, maybe you should do the same. Trust your gut on this one, if a place or redneck missing half his teeth tries to give you advice and it doesn't feel right, RUN away. Better to look stupid then to be dinner for the next Hannibal Lector of West Virginia.
d.) Stay away from cursed/haunted destinations. Oh yeah, what a great idea to go to the old Psychiatric hospital for a night with your friends. Spending a night in the "haunted mansion" can't be that bad; I'm tough and not afraid of anything. Yeah right, IDIOTS! Once again if you go to any of these places willingly, especially at night, or a STORMY night, we will let natural selection finish you off. Don't expect anyone to rescue you! Even at daytime these places should be avoided...psychos and the paranormal never sleep, and when determined, it doesn't matter if it is noontime or midnight, they will get the job done. Although we all know it is scarier at night...
Rule 2 coming soon....
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